Breathe

by Lindsey on December 23, 2014

in Infertility, J&L Start a Family

I’ve seen it all over the Internet, people choosing one word to encompass all of their hopes and dreams for the New Year. I even tried it once, a few years back, but never thought about it again after the initial word choice. This time will be different though. This year, I’m choosing a word to help get me through whatever 2015 has planned for us, and I’m going to live that word as fully as a person can.

The thing is, 2013 was all about what I had planned. I thought for sure we’d “pull the goalie”, try for a month or two, and then spend the rest of the year preparing for the arrival of our baby. But 2013 didn’t work out the way I had planned. 2013 instead brought a whole lot of heartache every time it reminded me that my plans don’t matter.

Then in 2014, in true, stubborn Lindsey fashion, I made new plans. 2014 was the year I tried to fight back. I came into this year with a vengeance, ready to battle. I wasn’t going to let medicine make me sick anymore. I wasn’t going to let negative tests break my heart month after month. I was going to make this happen, no matter what. But again, 2014 had it’s own agenda. This year gave me healthier eating habits, it gave me a surgery with some answers, and it gave me 52 weeks of feeling loved and supported by my best friend, but it didn’t give me a baby, and yet again, I was reminded that my plans don’t matter.

It may have taken me two years, but I’m ready to accept that I can make all the plans I want, but I can’t force myself to get pregnant, and I don’t get to choose if, or when, it happens. As we enter into the New Year, within the first week we’ll be attending our first consultation with a fertility specialist. I assume that will come with a lot of new information, and maybe (probably) even some kind of plan, but it won’t be my stubborn Lindsey plan.

This time around, I have no plans, or maybe said better, no expectations. 2015 will be the year I learn to accept whatever the universe has planned for me, even if it’s not what I want. This doesn’t mean I’ve lost hope, or that I’m giving up. That is most certainly not the case at all. (I am ready to dive headfirst into whatever the doctors suggest.) It simply means that at the end of 2015, I don’t want to look back at the year feeling emotionally exhausted. I don’t want to feel like I’ve been holding my breath for a third year. It’s time to finally exhale.

I have all the faith that someday, whether in 2015, or not for another 10 years, someday, we will have a baby. But in the meantime, while I’m waiting for that someday, I have to remember to breathe.

Akirah December 23, 2014 at 11:24 am

This is super well-written, Lindsey. I can’t resonate on the baby front, but I too understand the feeling of life dealing you something you never planned for and wanting so badly to do all you can to change it. My husband and I almost got divorced this time last year and for a while, I wanted to do anything I could to make life different. Then I learned about the concept of “self-compassion” and decided to use it as my word for 2014. As a result, my life and marriage are completely different now and I am so grateful.

I guess I share that because I hope your year of breathing goes well. Yes, I hope that you do have a baby someday, because I know you and Justin would be awesome parents…but I also pray that this experience softens you in preparation for that. But of course, as you say, who knows what the future holds. So I am also praying that you and Justin continue to hold each other as you find out together.

Merry Christmas, Lindsey!!! I’ll be thinking of you as you attend your doctor’s appointments next month!

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