Dear Althea

by Lindsey on September 23, 2016

in Dear Althea

Dear Althea,

Today was scary.

In an effort to occupy you for a couple minutes, I handed you a cracker, thinking you would gnaw it into a soggy mess. You were strapped into your chair in the kitchen, sitting right next to me, except for the ~5 seconds I walked into the dining room to get something.

When I came back in, I noticed that the cracker was no longer in your hand, but I assumed that meant it was in your lap where Puffs and Cheerios often turn up at the end of the day. You smiled up at me, so I sat back down next to you and thought nothing of it.

I don’t know how long you had that cracker in your mouth before you started choking on it. All I know is that you gagged, I turned to you, and I watched your little face turn purple right in front of me. In an instant, I screamed for your dad, ripped you out of your chair, and flipped you over on my lap like I somehow remembered from my Infant CPR training. I pounded on your back while he dug soggy cracker out of your mouth until you finally started crying. In reality, all of this happened in probably 30 seconds, but it felt like a lifetime passed before I felt you breathing again.

Two minutes later you were laughing and acting as if nothing had happened, while I held you as tight as I could, sobbing. Daddy helped us both calm down, but my heart is still pounding hours later.

There’s a part of me that never wants to forgive myself for letting this happen. We fought so hard to bring you into this world, and for that brief moment, I thought we were going to lose you. I screwed up, and I want to hate myself for putting us in that position. But I also did exactly what I was trained to do, and because of that, we’re all okay. I’m trying to remember that I’m human, and a first time mama, and that mistakes are bound to happen.

Today was scary, but I’m thanking God that we’re all okay.

I’m so, so, so sorry baby girl.

I love you so much ♥


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